yozora no mukou ni wa ashita ga mou matteiru

[scottishlass]

"Beyond the nightsky, tomorrow awaits ..."

I'm not feeling too well. I have had some weird feelings/dreams about dying lately, and most of the time they are so annoying/nagging that I keep waking up from sleep because I fear I would die in my sleep. Jeesh, I really could do without them as I'm already so dead tired (pardon the pun).
Yesterday I had my 5th unit of IV and for the next 1 1/2 weeks I can rest. The small favours of a weak chemotherapy. Yesterday I learnt that another female outpatient I got friendly while waiting for the IV had to move into the hopsital as her condition got worse, no more outpatient status for her. She was on the last leg of her chemo and I suspect her tumors didn't encapsulate. She was so positive thinking and I get angry that nature/God or whatever has to play such cruel joke with a person like her. Life's not fair.
But I don't want to whine, I feel okay-ish. Here is hope I still feel like that at the end of the whole damn thing. I try to persuade myself that nausea is indeed my friend. If I feel nauseous at last I know I'm still alive - bleh ... but it is a constant strain to feel like throwing up, especially if you haven't eaten for the last 24 hours. Even thinking about food makes me want to puke. :s


The more I listen to SMAP songs the more I grow to like them. Especially after I read the translations or attempt to piece translations together via an online translator. Not only do they have lovely tunes which sound very 80-ish, but some of their lyrics just bring me to tears:
Since that day,
what were we able to believe in?
Beyond the night sky,
tomorrow awaits

Noticing someone else's voice,
we hid ourselves
Along the fencing at the park,
the night wind blew

Your hand that squeezed,
attempting to tell me something
To this day is grasping the most sensitive
part of my heart.

Since that day,
what were we able to believe in?
As I gently open the window,
I smelled the winter wind.

Would sadness ever disappear?
My sighs appeared white in the air
and disappeared quickly.

Even walking was becoming a drag
I thought I can ignore the pointless common senses.

The words that I have said to you,
how much does remain?
They roam aimlessly in the
deepest parts of my heart.

Are we standing in the future of that day?
Things just do not go as well as I thought.
Would days continue on forever like this?
The cloudless sky continues beyond the window.

Since that day,
what were we able to believe in?
Beyond the night sky,
tomorrow awaits

are kara bokutachi wa nani ka wo shinjite kore ta kana
yozora no mukou ni wa mou asu ga matteiru

1998 live at Kohaku

Acapella with piano - my ever most favourite version of the song - silent night version 2001

Comments

[miss-dian.livejournal.com]

I have added this to memory 'cause I love the SMAP lyrics. And 'cause I wanna watch the vids too (internet is slow so I'm saving them when it is back to normal again).

I have had some weird feelings/dreams about dying lately, and most of the time they are so annoying/nagging that I keep waking up from sleep because I fear I would die in my sleep.
This is probably just your sub-conscious that is worrying. I'm sending you massive hugs and lots of good vibes!!! :)

Also posted a picspam of Kimura today. I hope it can make you feel a bit happier, Una :) *hugs*

[scottishlass.livejournal.com]

Thank you Dian :)

I hope your internet connection will be okay soon, there are so many gems on youtube :D

[crimsonredd.livejournal.com]

Everytime I read your updates about your treatment, I am speechless. I really don't know what to say because I feel your pain and I feel your sadness. I'm afraid that my words are not that articulate to express my emphaty, thus, sometimes I only ended up just reading your entry without leaving a message. I hope you'll get better soon. :)

Anyway, thank you so much for the english lyrics and the youtube clips.

[scottishlass.livejournal.com]

crimsonredd, thank you for your kind words. No need to say anything - it sometimes helps to know there is someone reading, listening to my ranting and venting. That is always enough.

[alexandral.livejournal.com]

** Hugs ** I wish and pray your pain goes away and your dreams will change into seeing Takuya in your dream. ** Hugs **

[scottishlass.livejournal.com]

Thank you {{{{hugs back}}}}}
Be safe during the gales, Alexandra. Atm we are about to enter the worst of it.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

Hang in there and keep up the positive thinking, if you can. I'm sure it's not easy, but try and give yourself every advantage you can by visualizing the cancer going away, and staying positive. I know a positive attitude may not always help, but it won't hurt, and I do believe it increases your chances. Plus visualization is a big thing in many fields of endeavor, and the mind is a power thing. It too, can't hurt. But it may help. You're so strong to do this again! You can do it! I'm so sorry about your friend, too. :-(

[scottishlass.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Positive thinking is sometimes so hard to accomplish but I try to be zen about the whole thing. I need to get through this, there is no other option than that.
Thank you again for your words of encouragement :)

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

I know it's so easy for me to say "be positive", when it's not me going through it. :-( But I do believe in postive thinking and that it affects healing. (And this coming from a total pessimist!)

I know it's totally not the same thing, but I had two knee surgeries, a summer apart from each other. My knee caps used to dislocate which is reallyreally painful. And the surgery was to fix that. I was really scared for the first one, and after it was done, I was really worried about my knee being hugely swollen, and not knowing if the surgery worked, and all these other what-ifs. Which is normal - I'd never been through anything like that, and I had no idea what to expect. Anyhoo, I was really afraid to flex the joint right away for fear of screwing up the surgery, and I lost a lot of flexibility, and physical therapy took forever. The whole ordeal really took a long time to recover from. And then the next summer I had to do the other knee. But the good thing was that I knew what to expect, and I knew that I couldn't damage the knee by bending it too soon, and I wasn't as fearful - I knew the swelling would go down and it would be fine. And it was amazing how quickly I breezed through the recovery for the 2nd knee. I really think a lot of it was that I wasn't as worried about it, and I had a more positive attitude about my recovery, and because of it, I was more proactive about flexing it sooner. It's just interesting, because it was the same surgery, and both knees were in equally bad shape prior to the surgery, but my attitude was totally different because I'd been through it once.

I have no idea of any of that is at all relevant to dealing with chemo and cancer. Probably not. But I really do think that being positive about things may not make the medical problem go away, but it might give your body the help it needs to make it through this, and to heal itself. Again, easier said than done, and easy for me to say when I'm not the one feeling so sick. Ok, big speech over, and apologies if this was too wordy. I only mean to encourage! :-)

Hang in there - I know you can do it! :-)

[rika-66.livejournal.com]

(((Una))) hang in there.

And I want to say I love the second Yozora clip. Thank you for it. Never listen and saw this variant of the song before.

SMAP oftenly has good words for their songs. Have you read the translation of Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana? The text is very nice, too.