of fears and goodbyes

[scottishlass]

Just my thoughts about Chica's condition ...

Even though Chica outwardly seems fine I have the nagging feeling that we soon have to say goodbye forever. She is not her old self again. She sleeps more, dozes off and her eyesight is failing more and more. Additionally, she eats poorly ... I just hope this stems from the fact that biting and swallowing still hurts her but she doesn't even eat all of her favourite chicken anymore.

I worry about her and I know that I have to let her go soon. I don't want her to suffer. She will tell me when it is time for her to go. Though for the moment she is still hanging in there .. but for how long?
I love her so much ... sometimes my heart aches just looking at her. How could such a little creature steal my heart so completely in under two years? She is such a sweet little dog and yet she is also cranky and bitchy and malicious and yet, I love her to pieces.
Every day I tell myself to enjoy every moment with her but sometimes it gets so sad and worrisome. Watching her when she sleeps - that one moment where I wait there with baited breath and stare at her to see if she is still breathing and then the relief that washes over me when I see her small breast going up and down - breathing in and breathing out - it chips away at my heart bit by bit.

But while I worry, I'm also grateful that she is by my side. That I just have to reach out my hand an pet her, feel the texture of her fur that is both wirey and soft. Feel the beat of her heart as she lifts her paw to tell me I should pet her breast. So vulnerable - so precious.

She sleeps now while I keep watch over her. I have not been sleeping well ever since her surgery as I fear something will happen while I'm asleep. I just want to continue listening to her breathing, her little snuffles and snores. Just one moment more, an hour, a day, a week ... a year.


I have found my old diaries and I noticed that my style of writing - in particular WHAT I write - has changed considerably. As this is such a public place I don't post my innermost thoughts and fears any more. I guess the virtual scissors inside my head is working over time.

Tomorrow I will go on a longish walk with the dogs and Yvonne, the owner of Azunela and Luna. I'm looking forward to it and I hope Chica will feel better. ALl I can do is hope and get her the best care there is.

Comments

[krissasaur]

♥

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry - it was so hard when I went through this with Sunny. In some ways, the last year of his life was so precious, because I knew our time together was limited. I hope you get a lot of quality time with her.

[back2real.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking about my last dog while walking Shoji tonight. I still miss Buechner, even though Shoji is now the love of my life. The little darlings, they go through so much with us, put up with us (and us with them), do silly things, and stupid things, and adorable things, and we love them to death. Knowing when to say goodbye is the hardest thing. I hope you'll have her a long time yet!

[callingmethere.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

[little-witch27.livejournal.com]

I wish there were words to say in this situation to make it more bearable, but the truth is, there are none. No matter how long you've known about her illness or been anticipating saying goodbye, nothing can prepare you for it. And this is the sadness of it all. The only thing you can do is keep giving her all your love, which I know you are, and be assured Chica knows it too. Those moments, this love she has for you in return, is something nobody can take away from you, ever. Thinking of you, with love *hugs*