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Mar. 23rd, 2007 12:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scottishlassSome ppl might wonder why I can write so casually about my breast cancer treatment and that I go out and about, walking the dogs, going shopping etc. I think I have to make something clear. I have lived with the illness or disease or whatever you want to call it, for a long time now. I'm pissed off at cancer but I won't let a bloody illness dictate my life or take away such a small pleasure like walking my dogs (even if it is more like crawling rather than walking actually). Oh and no, I'm not faking it as someone pointed out to me in an email (which enthused this whole post). I wish I was faking it, then I would be healthy and strong and not ill, thank you very much.
I could make an lj-cut here, but I decided against it, because ppl shoudl know about what it means to have breast cancer. It can happen to anyone.
Anyway, I have stage 4 breast cancer, meaning without immediate treatment I can die. Period. BUT! Breast cancer is not like breast cancer, there is hormonal, genetical and bone-based (where the tumors sit more on the rips and diaphragm than the actual breast themselves) forms of mamma carcinoma, the most common being the genetical and bone-based ones which are also the most fatal ones.
Hormonal breast cancer make about 2% to 4% (depending on the research studies from different countries) of all breast cancer patients. These women (and some few men) have difficulties with their hormonal set-up. I'm one of them.
Back in 1996 I got my first prescription of anti-baby pills. Unfortunately, my then gynecologist didn't make a hormonal test to see if I can actually use this particular brand of pill. As she didn't make the test and I didn't know that there should be a test, I took the pill for three months (!!), never knowing that I was fertile despite the pill because my hormonal make-up already has a high production of estrogen and the pill actually increased said production. Due to some obscure genetic defect thanks to my biological father I have a high production of estrogen and calcium in my body already. During puberty, my bones didn't all grow in length but a lot (fingers, toes, torso/ribs) grew in circumference rather than length. With this and the pill effecting the hypothalamus and hence the ovarian steroids (like estrogen) the calcium in my mamma ovaries plus the additional estrogen produced created breast cancer. It is what is called estrogen-receptor positive cancer, it means with more and more estrogen being produced carcinoma can grow both in the breasts but also in the vulva.
Good thing is, not all cases (about 80%) are fatal. With the right hormonal therapy, cancer cell suppressing medicine and cortisone based pills, you can actually live with cancer for years, as I'm doing since 1996.
Now you could ask, why not remove the vulva and the breasts? A question I have asked my doctors again and again with getting the same ol' answer. Once these particular areas in the body are removed, the estrogen plus the high calcium levels will find other areas, mainly bones. It will spread from a mere mamma carcinoma to all kinds of cancers, including osteosarcoma (malignant bone cancer) or multiple myeloma (cancer of plasma cells, leukemia etc.)
So ... I should count myself lucky in a way. I have been going on and off weak chemo therapies for 11 years now, with the current now being my fifth. If I can live another 11 years with this kind of shit, then okay so be it.
Oh and btw, I have removed the person who sent me the email from my flist and I would appreciate her doing the same. I'm sorry to hear her aunt died of breast cancer, but obviously she had a different form than me. Telling me that I was faking it as I'm obviously not dead already was bad taste and even though it didn't hurt me, it made me very sad. I know grief is talking here, but you don't know me as I don't know you in RL. I can't act as your emotional punching ball.
Having said all that, all I can do is to ask everyone on my flist to go to at least yearly breast cancer prevention check-ups. It can save lives!!
I could make an lj-cut here, but I decided against it, because ppl shoudl know about what it means to have breast cancer. It can happen to anyone.
Anyway, I have stage 4 breast cancer, meaning without immediate treatment I can die. Period. BUT! Breast cancer is not like breast cancer, there is hormonal, genetical and bone-based (where the tumors sit more on the rips and diaphragm than the actual breast themselves) forms of mamma carcinoma, the most common being the genetical and bone-based ones which are also the most fatal ones.
Hormonal breast cancer make about 2% to 4% (depending on the research studies from different countries) of all breast cancer patients. These women (and some few men) have difficulties with their hormonal set-up. I'm one of them.
Back in 1996 I got my first prescription of anti-baby pills. Unfortunately, my then gynecologist didn't make a hormonal test to see if I can actually use this particular brand of pill. As she didn't make the test and I didn't know that there should be a test, I took the pill for three months (!!), never knowing that I was fertile despite the pill because my hormonal make-up already has a high production of estrogen and the pill actually increased said production. Due to some obscure genetic defect thanks to my biological father I have a high production of estrogen and calcium in my body already. During puberty, my bones didn't all grow in length but a lot (fingers, toes, torso/ribs) grew in circumference rather than length. With this and the pill effecting the hypothalamus and hence the ovarian steroids (like estrogen) the calcium in my mamma ovaries plus the additional estrogen produced created breast cancer. It is what is called estrogen-receptor positive cancer, it means with more and more estrogen being produced carcinoma can grow both in the breasts but also in the vulva.
Good thing is, not all cases (about 80%) are fatal. With the right hormonal therapy, cancer cell suppressing medicine and cortisone based pills, you can actually live with cancer for years, as I'm doing since 1996.
Now you could ask, why not remove the vulva and the breasts? A question I have asked my doctors again and again with getting the same ol' answer. Once these particular areas in the body are removed, the estrogen plus the high calcium levels will find other areas, mainly bones. It will spread from a mere mamma carcinoma to all kinds of cancers, including osteosarcoma (malignant bone cancer) or multiple myeloma (cancer of plasma cells, leukemia etc.)
So ... I should count myself lucky in a way. I have been going on and off weak chemo therapies for 11 years now, with the current now being my fifth. If I can live another 11 years with this kind of shit, then okay so be it.
Oh and btw, I have removed the person who sent me the email from my flist and I would appreciate her doing the same. I'm sorry to hear her aunt died of breast cancer, but obviously she had a different form than me. Telling me that I was faking it as I'm obviously not dead already was bad taste and even though it didn't hurt me, it made me very sad. I know grief is talking here, but you don't know me as I don't know you in RL. I can't act as your emotional punching ball.
Having said all that, all I can do is to ask everyone on my flist to go to at least yearly breast cancer prevention check-ups. It can save lives!!
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no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 01:07 am (UTC)D:
That is so wrong on so many levels.
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Date: 2007-03-23 05:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 06:03 am (UTC)Well, on some perverted level I can understand the person, she lost her aunt to cancer and seeing someone else seemingly successfully battling it, might got her down. Still ... being on the receiving end of it feels shitty.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 01:55 am (UTC)Yup, that's why I have my check-ups as advised by our doctor to have it every 6 mos.
Telling me that I was faking it as I'm obviously not dead already was bad taste and even though it didn't hurt me, it made me very sad.
Looks like she's taking it out on you ... That's indeed sad.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 06:08 am (UTC)Unfortunately, a lot of folks shy away from them still, so once a year is the most they can manage and depending on the country they live in they have to pay extra for these check-ups.
I can see where she is coming from in some sort of way. She lost her aunt so she needs someone to rant about. I guess I was just very convenient, but I also think she has a screw loose somewhere (something I already noticed when I first friended her a couple of weeks back, she didn't seem to come from any fandom I'm in) ... oh well, I have removed her and I hope that was the end of it.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 02:42 am (UTC)The whole point of fighting a life-threatening disease is because the life you live is something you enjoy, and don't want to lose. So why give up any part of that life just because you are sick, if you are still able to live and enjoy?
I was actually thinking about this today, because a major presidential cadidate announced today that his wife's breast cancer has returned, but that he fully intended to continue running for US office. I agree with the couple's decision: you don't let the cancer dictate how you live your life. If you do, the cancer has won. If you do, is the life you have the life you want to live? What is the point?
People suck. With all the things wrong with people in the world, the lack of empathy is what saddens me the most. Is it really easier to call someone a liar than to put themselves in someone else's place and see how things are, how things feel?
You are stong, defiant -- the very essence of a survivor, and I look up to you. You keep on being who you are and doing what you do!
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 06:19 am (UTC)Exactly!!! Now during the chemo my life is already really restricted. Friends can't just come by with their families without having a whole list of questions to answer. My two god-daughters want to see me but as they are either having a cold or a measle threat is at their school, we can only talk on the phone. Now they are old enough to be pissed off by that and I have a hard time to make them realise that any visit of them could be really bad for me.
That I do a Michael Jackson and walk around with these funny mouth and nose protectors leaves me wide open for ridicule, but damn if I sit around on my fat ass at home and see life passing by.
Of course I know I put myself at risk, but I talked to the doctors and they said if I'm careful, I can do what I please. So, yeah I'm doing it.
the very essence of a survivor
I don't know if I'm a survivour, I think I'm just too stubborn or too cowardish to die just yet. Besides, before I go I still have to bug the hell out of a lot of ppl >:D
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 03:09 am (UTC)Though we do not know each other in RL, much love and respect to you, Una :)
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Date: 2007-03-23 06:25 am (UTC)As I said in my post, I think it was definitely grief talking out of her and she looked for someone to blame. I guess I was just very convenient.
Additioally, the timing is just too bloody perfect with something else. A couple of weeks ago I closed one of my sites and her asking to friend me coincides with that time, perhaps she wanted to get back to me for closing that site. I don't know and frankly I don't care. If I had to choose I would rather not receive such mails, but then again they make me take time and reflect, I rant about it once and that clears the air for me. And making more ppl aware that there is breast cancer out there and that you all should go to check ups, heck, that is a plus.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 03:56 am (UTC)I am always a little lost what to reply to your posts dealing with illness, because I am so impressed by the way you deal with it, but I have no idea how to phrase it. But I am. I am incredibly impressed.
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Date: 2007-03-23 05:57 am (UTC)And
*hugs*
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Date: 2007-03-23 09:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 11:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 09:56 am (UTC)And YAY! You have another fabulous Takyua header!!
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Date: 2007-03-23 01:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 01:23 pm (UTC)But then, you can't ban stupidity from the world .
Lotsa love
Elf
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Date: 2007-03-25 11:07 am (UTC)How are you, love? I hope everything has calmed down at your end of the woods with Mara and Camilla. *hugs*
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Date: 2007-03-23 01:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 11:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 01:36 pm (UTC)I don't really understand the reason why that person decided to say those stupid and cruel things to you. Because of the loss in her (?) own family? But come on, this is an absurdish reason!
Cancer, sadly to say, is not something rare in our world, this could happen to anyone, in any place. So many of us, in our life sooner or later have to reckon it in our close circle of people (relatives, friends, ets). Personally, 8 years ago, I've lost my man to it. I still feel quite sad about it and sorry for him. And what? Is it a reason to hurt others? Stupid, stupid woman.. Grr.. I'm very angry. :(
Una, I respect you highly. Please, don't listen what livid fools say. You are a brave person and you do everything right. Even if your situation is not easy and create a lot of problems and troubles in everyday life, nevertheless you live your life as YOU want to. That's great.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 11:34 am (UTC)When you loose someone it is always like a tiny open wound on your heart that never heals and only scarrs when you are lucky.
Ühugs*
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Date: 2007-03-23 09:16 pm (UTC)I don't know you that long but after reading some of your posts I know you're a really strong and kind person who deserves to be healthy and happy. I'm so impressed sometimes, but it's hard to put in words without stepping into "Fettnäpfchen" as I often do...
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Date: 2007-03-25 11:38 am (UTC)Never mind the Fettnäpfchen, you are writing in a different language so it is not avoidable :) Just say what you want :)
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Date: 2007-03-23 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 12:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:14 pm (UTC)I think you are very brave Una. And despite my mums death, I still believe in miracles.
And yes I have already had my first mammogram.
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Date: 2007-03-25 11:43 am (UTC)I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Sometimes the disease is just too overwhelming :( I wish ppl could fight this illness successfully, but I guess that is wishful thinking.
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Date: 2007-03-24 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 11:51 am (UTC)But seriously, I don't know who would do such a thing. Other than those who might suffer of the Munchhausen syndrome or something or want to emotionally blackmail someone.
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Date: 2007-03-25 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-04 10:46 am (UTC)Don't worry
Date: 2007-04-03 01:03 pm (UTC)Well I'll try. I can to some extent understand how hard it must be to have breast cancer. NO, i am not a patient. But in grade 2...(like a gazellion yrs ago) my best friends mum died of cancer. I remember her being devastated and she became really different. She stopped talking to people and became more distant. I guess thats as much as I know about breast cancer. But I agree, why shouldn't you live normally? What's the big fuss about? I think it was wrong for that person to say such things to you but I think they were just feeling hurt.
Atleast now more people are aware of breast cancer and other forms of cancer. I'm only 15 so I've never had a check-up but next year everyone in our school is getting a cervical cancer vaccination (it's an all girls school).
I hope you get better and don't get down on yourself. Hmm, I am not sure if you're into Bollywood but from the words of Aman in Kal Ho Nah Ho 'Live life to the fullest because who knows tomorrow may never be'
Have a great year :)
Re: Don't worry
Date: 2007-04-04 10:51 am (UTC)I hope all goes well with your check up, and don't be scared. The sooner you start these regular check-ups the better. Please tell your school mates as well.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-04 11:14 am (UTC)Anyway have a great year
Also...on a less serious note can u please add me as a friend! Thank you
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Date: 2007-04-04 12:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-06 12:11 pm (UTC)Don't use mental scissors in your ming just because you think ppl will give you grief when you write something in your journal. It is your journal after all. Friends lock it if you think it would be better.