Paths of love
Apr. 23rd, 2005 05:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scottishlassThe night is really nice, not cold at all and the stars are out and twinkle. I wish I would live in the country, this way I could see the whole milky way. I still remember a time when I could do just that. A time so far away that it is almost like a spectre of a time long past.
In the dark of night man is bound to discover and examine the paths of love and life. The silent cocoon of darkness envelops man with sleepy memories.
Olly is sleeping on the sofa with music in his earphones while I sit here, watching him. Somewhere deep in my heart there is a tiny part that wishes it wasn't him lying there, but someone else. It is hard to write it down, a forbidden thought that makes me sad. A tiny part, not overwhelmingly large at all. Still, I can't sleep and this is nagging me. I love Olly dearly, but a part of my heart or soul for the lack of a better word, will never belong to him. He knows, as he knows everything of me and I of him. Which makes it both harder and easier.
Still ...
I'm sitting here at my computer, the desk lamp the only pool of light in the darkness. I feel totally alone, set apart from the whole world in a world of my own, the world of my memories that come to the fore at this kind of night. I'm smoking a cigarette right now, rolling my neck to get rid of the stiffness in my back. When I close my eyes I'm transported back in time ... to another sky, another set of stars so similar to the one that lies just beyond my window, lighting the dark sky in its own way.
I can still smell the heather and the heliotrope from the garden ... the earth even where it wasn't covered with grass and gorse was warm to the touch even in the dark of night. The whole milky way was a glittering band of little diamond specks on the dark velvet sky. The smell of earth, flowers and the night was overwhelming but what I still remember the most was him. The healthy sweat and cologne of a man. And tears ... so many tears ... you could smell them though already dried, but they were still there.
We lay there under the dark sky with its stars twinkling like a blanket and I remember the way his voice was still so hoarse from the crying, the ranting, and the heart tearing sobs. I had never witnessed someone breaking down the way I had seen him breaking down. He had always been the rock in my world.
Seeing him so desolute was a shock, an abomination of all I had thought and believed until that time.
Remembering all this brings back the pain, the utter and overall desolation. I know I cannot fathom how he has felt at that time, I probably never will, but looking back my heart was aching for him as much as for myself. Knowing I can't help him in the long run, only in that instance, in this one night. We were laying there, surrounded by night and the soft scented air caressing our bodies just as we were caressing each other while the night sky revolved in an ancient dance of eternity.
It has been fourteen years ... I was so young: not knowing that ever since that night - nay, that whole week I was on vacation in that summer in Scotland - I would keep a large chunk of my heart just for him. And he likewise for me. Perhaps when we are both on our death beds, we might acknowledge what had transpired during this night, perhaps we will, perhaps we won't. It doesn't matter as the night still lives on in our memories. My memories - and his. Our lives are now as they should be, separated and each of us has found a new spouse, someone to grow old with, but this magic night, borne from extreme distress, will be with us. Forever. Ta mo aghrà, cradhscal, mo cruidh.
Mulaayam mulaayam si neeli neeli raat hai aur thapakti hai is dil ko yaadein kayi
The dark blue night is soft and tender & many memories tap on my heart
In the dark of night man is bound to discover and examine the paths of love and life. The silent cocoon of darkness envelops man with sleepy memories.
Olly is sleeping on the sofa with music in his earphones while I sit here, watching him. Somewhere deep in my heart there is a tiny part that wishes it wasn't him lying there, but someone else. It is hard to write it down, a forbidden thought that makes me sad. A tiny part, not overwhelmingly large at all. Still, I can't sleep and this is nagging me. I love Olly dearly, but a part of my heart or soul for the lack of a better word, will never belong to him. He knows, as he knows everything of me and I of him. Which makes it both harder and easier.
Still ...
I'm sitting here at my computer, the desk lamp the only pool of light in the darkness. I feel totally alone, set apart from the whole world in a world of my own, the world of my memories that come to the fore at this kind of night. I'm smoking a cigarette right now, rolling my neck to get rid of the stiffness in my back. When I close my eyes I'm transported back in time ... to another sky, another set of stars so similar to the one that lies just beyond my window, lighting the dark sky in its own way.
I can still smell the heather and the heliotrope from the garden ... the earth even where it wasn't covered with grass and gorse was warm to the touch even in the dark of night. The whole milky way was a glittering band of little diamond specks on the dark velvet sky. The smell of earth, flowers and the night was overwhelming but what I still remember the most was him. The healthy sweat and cologne of a man. And tears ... so many tears ... you could smell them though already dried, but they were still there.
We lay there under the dark sky with its stars twinkling like a blanket and I remember the way his voice was still so hoarse from the crying, the ranting, and the heart tearing sobs. I had never witnessed someone breaking down the way I had seen him breaking down. He had always been the rock in my world.
Seeing him so desolute was a shock, an abomination of all I had thought and believed until that time.
Remembering all this brings back the pain, the utter and overall desolation. I know I cannot fathom how he has felt at that time, I probably never will, but looking back my heart was aching for him as much as for myself. Knowing I can't help him in the long run, only in that instance, in this one night. We were laying there, surrounded by night and the soft scented air caressing our bodies just as we were caressing each other while the night sky revolved in an ancient dance of eternity.
It has been fourteen years ... I was so young: not knowing that ever since that night - nay, that whole week I was on vacation in that summer in Scotland - I would keep a large chunk of my heart just for him. And he likewise for me. Perhaps when we are both on our death beds, we might acknowledge what had transpired during this night, perhaps we will, perhaps we won't. It doesn't matter as the night still lives on in our memories. My memories - and his. Our lives are now as they should be, separated and each of us has found a new spouse, someone to grow old with, but this magic night, borne from extreme distress, will be with us. Forever. Ta mo aghrà, cradhscal, mo cruidh.
Mulaayam mulaayam si neeli neeli raat hai aur thapakti hai is dil ko yaadein kayi
The dark blue night is soft and tender & many memories tap on my heart
