So what happened in Una Land in the past week

[scottishlass]

December 4th .. only twenty days till Christmas and I still haven't decorated the house yet. Okay, I put up the customary three fir branch wreaths on the windows of our downstairs floor but apart from that and buying two poinsettas I haven't done anything. It is such a hectic time and I'm too pissed off with all the ppl around me shopping like crazy and making this time of reflection and peace into some frenzied time of materialism. Where the heck did my favourite time of the year go? With baking your own cookies? making your own crafted gifts? When you give hand made presents you are considered cheap, even if it is a well crafted sweater or quilt or anything. All ppl want are presents with a price tag and I'm so boycotting this.

What else happened? Last week I had my final exam for this year as well as after 5 years of remission and yesterday my PET/PSA results came in. After 16 years (since late 1996) I am now cured of cancer but still have a 25% chance to get it again in the future. Still, it's something. The first time in 16 years, where I have been without the scare of tumors in my breast for five consecutive years. YAY!
Strangely though, I feel kind of numb inside. There's no booty dance or full blown happiness. I guess my mind has to catch up yet that this scare is over for the time being. I'm officially a survivor now.

Comments

[scottishlass.livejournal.com]

It feels so good to talk to someone who understands what kind of mind set one has as a survivor. My friends and family who only had to deal with it arbitrarily through me are all: "Now, come on, be happy, it is over!" and "I can't understand why you are not jumping up in joy!" It's not I'm not grateful my body decided to become healthy well relatively healthy as I still suffer from some side effects from all the chemos and my body will never be 'healthy' completely but at least cancerfree but as you wrote it is an important part of our lives where we have grown as human beings.

I know what you mean and I'm sorry about Lorna Doone. When Chica was diagnosed with cancer in my first year of remission after my last chemo I was like ... wtf? I can deal with this shit but please not her and I would have gladly traded another chemo for a happy healthy long life for her because I knew I could somehow manage that better than watching Chica die.
I guess such a grave illness puts a lot of things into perspective and it is up to us to make the best out of it. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't but somehow there is always some kernel of something we have learned that stays with us and is woven into the fabric that defines us.